Last week ):

Melbourne was my way of escaping from reality. The first 2 years was great, no drama, had fun times and of course there were bad times but not from being in Melb. Despite not having many friends then, losing a few, I could actually express myself better here.

As time went on, I don’t know what I want anymore. All I wanted and needed was that escape. Each time I go back to sg, something happens. Then it wavers my decision of going back to melb. Many things happened in the past 3 years and I’m back in that state where I just want to escape from reality, not even melb. I wasn’t happy in both sg and melb and that was extremely toxic. For at least 6 months throughout the past 3 years, I can say I was fine. The rest, oh boy was it tough. And now, I dread going back to sg. I really don’t know how to feel or what to expect. As much as I want to have that mentality of going in with no expectations, I can’t help but seek for something to look forward to.

I’ve never publicly expressed my feelings and thoughts and suffered by myself cause I never wanted to burden anyone and I didn’t think anyone would really care. Though of course there are a few constants who cares and I’m really thankful for you guys even though it wasn’t always consistent but hey, it’s okay. I understand that everyone have their own problems, their own life. Not everyone will be there for you at all times and that’s okay. That’s how life works. It’s always been like that since young. And I thought I was getting better recently. Yet it came crumbling down. Everyday there’s this lingering feeling inside and I can’t seem to get it out.

At times it really gets extremely difficult. As much as I want to breakdown into tears, I cant. I’m so numb to this feeling and yet it continues to linger. My mind goes back to the dark times. And this isn’t even my darkest moment in my life.

I’m extremely tired of living, of facing reality. I want to look for another place to escape. And I am always ready for that as long as I have my funds, which I don’t. But when the time is right, I’ll depart on my journey and leave everything behind and sort out my life.

I’m thankful for the past 5 years in Melbourne and allowing me to be myself. But for the past 3 years, it has gotten back to being suffocating. If I disappear, just know that I’ll be okay. Even if something bad happens, it’s probably for the best.

Back for another round

It’s back.

What was thought to be hidden and tucked away is back. I’m starting to search for a safe haven again. Being home and feeling unproductive. Not wanting to do things that I should be doing. Feeling bored and tired and lose of appetite. I just want to stay at home all day and snuggle in my blanket and wait for the day to pass. Each day when I’m up, it means another day alive. And yet why is it that sometimes I just everything to end.

A friend of mine left a group chat and hardly anyone bothered to ask why. All one person said was “people move on I guess”. Excuse me but moved on from??? Even when it’s not targeted to me, I felt hurt. So that’ll be how it’ll be like when one day I leave the chat or even leave the world. Just ignored and disappeared from everyone else’s lives.

It’s ironic how people claim to want confrontation and want attention when they ‘give’ others in return but they are the ones not giving anything. Also the ones denying any confrontation and claim that “you are being too straightforward”. Like bitch, you want confrontation but you’re too afraid to accept the truth. What’s the point of being honest to you when you’re just gonna shoo it away and start hating on me for being honest. Contradicting much.

You’ll never know when someone is actually sad and not feeling okay. Cause that person will just smile or pretend everything is okay. Once parted, she’ll just go into the depressed state and eagerly wish to be home so that she can hide in her room and do nothing. Don’t blame her for not seeking help. She asked for help with her peers and no one else helped. Not a single hand to pick her up from the bottom of the pit. She sees someone and tells the person to help. The person looks at her and walks away. That’s how life is like.

So why is it that people are surprised that a certain someone is depressed and decided to commit suicide? Never assume that one is always happy. We all have our sad times. Some are worse than others but it can never be defined. Rather, some just take things worse than others.

Instead of waiting for someone to ask for help, observe and you’ll notice the hints. Approach them instead of waiting for them to approach you. Ask what’s wrong and get them talking. You’ll never know how much that’ll help someone.

Miles away

It started with me falling for him
but we weren’t meant to be
You were there and you caught me

It soon became “we”
but it wasn’t the same.
It made me miss him more
Cause you never did things he did.
How he loved me and embraced me
Felt nothing like I’ve ever had
And I’ll always miss that until the next
But you never gave me that

All I got was insecurities and anxiety
Unloved and uncared

Guilt within refuses to end things
Even though I knew I had to

So here I am
Still fragile and broken
Missing you from miles away
Yet I still want it to end

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“I was an accident. And maybe that night shouldn’t have happened.” 

*writes something out of anger and regret*
*posts without linking it anywhere*
*decides it’s better for no one to read*
*sets post to private*

Because at the end of the day, no one in concerned and would rather not appear in my posts, for the good or (obviously) for the worse.

will I always be dreaming of liking life from the darkness alone?

I’m desperate for your affection
It’s hopeless, I know, but that’s just who (how) I am.

Getting headaches and feeling fatigue every single day.
Awaiting to the day when this is all over, I have done my part and it’s time for my reward.
Being able to finally enjoy life for a short while before University starts and the stress comes back into my life, suffering from this misery.

The day when dreams come true is probably the day I die.
For I know that they’ll never exist in my life.

Just A List: Events and Concerts and People I Met

I’ve actually always wanted to list down the “stars” that I’ve met and when. Because, to be honest, I’ve met quite a lot aha. Also, some are just for concerts and no photos or I just met them for an autograph session. Some are repeated cause why not keep track am I right? It’ll be updated I guess.

2012
31st August & 1st September – Ryan Higa
21st September – The Script

2013
5th & 6th April – Lawson
19th May – Chester See
21st May – Ryan Higa, Andrew Garcia, Chester See, Boyce Avenue, Wesley Chan
23rd May – Boyce Avenue
24th May – Pewdiepie
28th June – Madilyn Bailey, Tanner Patrick
1st August – Jason Chen, Clara C
5th August – Fall Out Boy
17th August – Before You Exit
11th, 13th & 15th September – Sam Tsui, Kurt Schneider
21st November – Boyce Avenue

2014
9th, 11th, 12th, 15th, 17th February – 2/3 of Wongfu Productions (Phil and Wes)
15th February – David Choi
29th March – Emma Stone, Andrew Garfield, Jamie Foxx
22nd May – Lilly (Superwoman), Troye Sivan, Bethany Mota
23rd May – 3/5 of RHPC (Ryan, Sean and Greg), Jenna Marbles, Tyler Oakley, Apldeap
24th May – David Choi, Jenna Marbles, Timothy DeLaGhetto
25th May – Bethany Mota, Tyler Oakley, Troye Sivan, Korey Kuhl, Sean Fujioshi, Ryan Higa, Grey (lol)
9th July – Sam Tsui, Kurt Schneider
17th August – Patty Walters, Luke Cutforth, Bry, (Jason too actually……)
6th September – Against The Current (Chrissy, Will and Dan), Alex Goot
25th September – Sam Tsui
2nd, 4th, 5th & 7th December – Tiffany Alvord, Tanner Patrick
5th December – Anton and Jonas

2015
9th January – Bastille
24th January – The Vamps, Short Stack
14th February – McBusted
21st & 22nd February – Soundwave – Gerard Way, All Time Low, Of Mice & Men, Fall Out Boy, Tonight Alive, One OK Rock,etc
18th March – Evan Edinger, Dodie
6th April – Hunter Hayes
9th April – Tyde Levi, Ricky Dillon
10th April – Tyde Levi, Ricky Dillon, Andrea Russett, Troye Sivan, Connor Franta, Jamie Curry, Little Sea
1st May – SHE
25th June – 5 Seconds Of Summer
29th June – Bry, Candice, Dodie
12 July – Ryan Higa, Will, Derrick, Arden Cho, David Choi, DanakaDan, Jun Sung Ahn
12th September – Tyler Oakley, Korey Kuhl
22nd September – Sleeping With Sirens
2nd & 4th October – As It Is
7th November – Joe Sugg, Caspar Lee Hit The Road Australia Tour
5th December – Ed Sheeran
19th December – WongFu Productions: Everything Before Us Asia Tour

2016
26th January – The Vamps ft The Tide
28th January – Bring Me The Horizon
30th January – Laneway Festival (maybe)

Glasnost

Untitled.

When I was six years old, I gave my first blowjob.
“It’s a game”, said He. “Don’t you want to play?”
It was too big, and I threw up on him.
He said I’d do better the next time.

When I was seven years old, I watched a group of fellow second graders cheer as a boy in my class tried to kiss me. He hugged me from behind, giggling all the while.
I threw sand in his eyes, and was sent to the Principal.

When I was eight years old, I had an elderly teacher ask me to stay behind in class. He carried me on his shoulders, and called me pretty.
“Teacher’s Pet!” my friends declared, the envy visible on their faces.
They ignored me at lunch that day.

When I was nine years old, an older girl on the school bus would ask me to lift…

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Amplify vs YouTube Fanfest

So people who know me knows that I go to YouTube events quite often. Meet lots of big and small youtubers around the world. Starting from YTFF in Singapore, twice, to smaller events and now Amplify in Melbourne. If I have to compare them, in which I am, YTFF is obviously better and bigger. Well they are sponsored by Google and they started in Singapore apparently which is cool. 

YouTube Fanfest is one of the biggest international event for youtubers (only) to meet fans from around the world. I went to the very first event in Singapore in May 2013. The line ups were amazing and it was well organized. It included youtubers like Ryan Higa (nigahiga), David Choi, Boyce Avenue and MyChonny. It was a 2 day event at Ritz Carlton – a hotel ballroom. When they announced about this event, they were prepared and ready to tell us all of the information we needed to know. 

Despite fans rushing in to get front row seats, I had pretty decent seats and security were fine with us sitting on the floor. People didn’t stand up, blocking others’ views. DSLR cameras were allowed in the venues (for both 2013 and 2014 events). It was also fully live streamed on YouTube so that people who couldn’t make it could watch the whole thing. 

In 2014, I won 2 days of free tickets from Scape (this was friend but she gave it to us instead cause m&g with Bethany) and David Choi. I ended up buying tickets for Troye and Tyler cause it was soon sold out for a higher price but hey, it was still worth it for 3 days. I also got to meet all of them at the airport and hotel which was amazing. Had m&g with David and Bethany. That’s cool. M&G had to be won. You can’t buy them. Therefore it didn’t take as long. Jenna Marbles and Timothy DeLaGhetto had free m&g sessions which was amazing. Everyone said my bloody looking dress was cool 😂😂😂 (you can get it from black milk. In which mine was fake.) 

Security were really nice to my group of friends cause we were the most calm and patient fans 😏 they legit hint us on where Jenna was gonna come out from and told us to line up in a line so that every one of us could get pictures during their departure. However the rest of the fans screwed it up for themselves. Too bad then 💁🏻 However, there were no seats and they gave out way too many free tickets to people around the venue 😒😒😒 Overall, I loved it. Best YouTube event ever. 

Amplify. They announced at the start of this year, with more than half of the lineup not confirmed. It is an Australian event and they intend on hosting it annually. They were literally still looking for youtubers/viners/random people idek. They confirmed Connor Franta and Troye Sivan (with a few others I think I can’t remember) and hinted that they’re gonna have international, millions of subs, never been to Aus before, youtubers. Ended up being just Ricky Dillon and Andrea Russett. With the rest of the line ups being local and Jamie Curry from New Zealand. From the whole line up, majority only knew Troye, Connor, Ricky, Andrea and Tyde. Some knew Jamie and Little Sea. The rest, not as famous and a viner??? I’m no longer calling it a YouTube event with so many random people. They only confirmed the lineup 1 week BEFORE THE EVENT. For Melbourne, Shani didn’t do a thing. And Chloe. Like where the fuck were they in the show. Why are they up for m&g then? 

YES. THE PRICE. IT AS $186 FOR EACH M&G TICKET. WTF. I paid $200 for 2 tickets for YTFF and managed to win so many competitions. Learn from them instead please. However, good part is that there are seats. So you don’t need to fight for them. You don’t want to mess with whites, blacks, etc, in getting seats. They are worse than Asians. Far worse. I’ve seen a group climbing over barricades in YTFF at the hotel. Wtf. WHY ARE PEOPLE SO EXTREME LIKE CHILL THE FUCK DOWN. 

Airport in Melbourne is insane. So far and lots of fans were there. Absolutely horrible. I’ve only gotten a selfie with Tyde, Ricky and Shelby. Connor and Troye were escorted out. Security became more strict and all. Ew. I was literally behind Ricky the whole time as he went down though 😂😂😂 m&g was fine but could be improved greatly. They didn’t allow autographs, only selfies, one form of pictures, only 30 seconds. That was it. One of the worst m&g. Results of bad planning. Try organizing half a year earlier. The show was supposed to start at 7.30. The doors ended up opening at 7.30. Very smart Amplify/MCA. 

Ryan told me I could bring my dslr and use it during the show, security ended up telling me it’s restricted – wtf????? 

Fans ended up leaving their seats and blocking our view despite me being in the second row. Erm. I almost shouted at the girl jumping on the chair in front of me to fuck off. Like hello, I paid for this. It’s second row middle seats. Fuck off before I push you. Which I didn’t. Don’t worry 😂 

MERCH WAS EXPENSIVE. $70 for a sweater? Hell naw. And very limited. But at least there’s actually merch. Unlike YTFF, they didn’t have any. 

Apparently there was supposed to be a red carpet and a dance party but they were cancelled without any notice. In which YTFF legit had a red carpet for both youtubers and us (sort of) before letting us into the venue. 

After the show, I felt like nothing happened. As if I didn’t go for the event. I was never really excited for the show except for meeting my idols, duh. 

Overall, it was not bad. Needs to be more organized. Learn from mistakes. Don’t be as strict. Learn from other big events, not only Vidcon. Cause Vidcon, you can meet them without queuing. And I’m sure the tics are differently priced. Like you could meet lots of them without paying a huge amount just to see more than half of the line up not the ones you want to meet and all. Lots of areas to improve. Hope you’ll be better next year Amplify. Or sales might decrease. 

Also, look out for a video in the next few days. 😏😏