lil rant

It’s been almost a year since I’ve been back in Singapore and suddenly remembering memories of Melbourne.

2014 and 2015 was probably the best time I had tbh with high school, no drama, underage wine purchases from that liquor store down the road that doesn’t bother checking IDs, fancy dinners and fun. Though of course there were the lonely times, losing friends, depression, family issues and all that stuff. But compared to my uni days, a lot better.

2016 was the WORST. It started off pretty good with my purple hair, new friends, High Key and those amazing people, drinking sessions cause f u n. Then I joined a singapore association club which ended up being the start of the downfall. Drama and more drama. People spreading shit about me, assuming things and thinking they know better than my own feelings and thoughts (lol), calling me a bimbo behind my back that I found out – I think you all know who you are, no shade just truth. Overall, A LOT OF DRAMA. I was basically having panic attacks every single night and no one knew about them. It was pretty bad then where I just wanted to escape from reality but there was nowhere to go. All I could do was continue living my life and accept everything. In some sense, I am glad that these people do not cherish me as a friend so that I can do the same. Though we are in the same friend group and occasionally have to see each other but not like we give a fuck about each other so oh wells. Besides, I don’t need any fake people around me. Also, thank god they only pushed too far once. If more than that, oh boy full bitch mode turned on and I’ll probably explode with “oh sorry, being rich doesn’t mean you aren’t peasant enough to be my friend” or something of that sort. Not to forget all the toxic traits they have of course. But, I am patient and too much of a nice person, plus they didn’t go that far that I need to explode in their face so allg. Just know that we aren’t close for a reason (: Note how each time I say I miss Melbourne, y’all weren’t part of it.

My High Key friends, high school friends and a few of the singapore association friends definitely helped making my life in Melbourne A LOT better. Away from the usual singaporean clique of course cause that shit is toxic man. Extremely grateful for them being there when I need them and for making my life in Melbourne fun and exciting. I miss all the jam sessions and clubbing sessions with them – it definitely lifted up my mood those times.

I suppose I miss the happy moments in Melbourne and wish I could go back to those times. And have a lot to rant about regarding the bad times. But then again, those in the clique never truly seemed to understand my perspective on how much all that impacted me mentally.

For now, just move on and try to live a better life. Learn to forget the bad times and focus on the good.

raining season

it feels like a thunderstorm in the mind

when you close your eyes

as you cry

guess that explains the rainy sky

Last week ):

Melbourne was my way of escaping from reality. The first 2 years was great, no drama, had fun times and of course there were bad times but not from being in Melb. Despite not having many friends then, losing a few, I could actually express myself better here.

As time went on, I don’t know what I want anymore. All I wanted and needed was that escape. Each time I go back to sg, something happens. Then it wavers my decision of going back to melb. Many things happened in the past 3 years and I’m back in that state where I just want to escape from reality, not even melb. I wasn’t happy in both sg and melb and that was extremely toxic. For at least 6 months throughout the past 3 years, I can say I was fine. The rest, oh boy was it tough. And now, I dread going back to sg. I really don’t know how to feel or what to expect. As much as I want to have that mentality of going in with no expectations, I can’t help but seek for something to look forward to.

I’ve never publicly expressed my feelings and thoughts and suffered by myself cause I never wanted to burden anyone and I didn’t think anyone would really care. Though of course there are a few constants who cares and I’m really thankful for you guys even though it wasn’t always consistent but hey, it’s okay. I understand that everyone have their own problems, their own life. Not everyone will be there for you at all times and that’s okay. That’s how life works. It’s always been like that since young. And I thought I was getting better recently. Yet it came crumbling down. Everyday there’s this lingering feeling inside and I can’t seem to get it out.

At times it really gets extremely difficult. As much as I want to breakdown into tears, I cant. I’m so numb to this feeling and yet it continues to linger. My mind goes back to the dark times. And this isn’t even my darkest moment in my life.

I’m extremely tired of living, of facing reality. I want to look for another place to escape. And I am always ready for that as long as I have my funds, which I don’t. But when the time is right, I’ll depart on my journey and leave everything behind and sort out my life.

I’m thankful for the past 5 years in Melbourne and allowing me to be myself. But for the past 3 years, it has gotten back to being suffocating. If I disappear, just know that I’ll be okay. Even if something bad happens, it’s probably for the best.

Back for another round

It’s back.

What was thought to be hidden and tucked away is back. I’m starting to search for a safe haven again. Being home and feeling unproductive. Not wanting to do things that I should be doing. Feeling bored and tired and lose of appetite. I just want to stay at home all day and snuggle in my blanket and wait for the day to pass. Each day when I’m up, it means another day alive. And yet why is it that sometimes I just everything to end.

A friend of mine left a group chat and hardly anyone bothered to ask why. All one person said was “people move on I guess”. Excuse me but moved on from??? Even when it’s not targeted to me, I felt hurt. So that’ll be how it’ll be like when one day I leave the chat or even leave the world. Just ignored and disappeared from everyone else’s lives.

It’s ironic how people claim to want confrontation and want attention when they ‘give’ others in return but they are the ones not giving anything. Also the ones denying any confrontation and claim that “you are being too straightforward”. Like bitch, you want confrontation but you’re too afraid to accept the truth. What’s the point of being honest to you when you’re just gonna shoo it away and start hating on me for being honest. Contradicting much.

You’ll never know when someone is actually sad and not feeling okay. Cause that person will just smile or pretend everything is okay. Once parted, she’ll just go into the depressed state and eagerly wish to be home so that she can hide in her room and do nothing. Don’t blame her for not seeking help. She asked for help with her peers and no one else helped. Not a single hand to pick her up from the bottom of the pit. She sees someone and tells the person to help. The person looks at her and walks away. That’s how life is like.

So why is it that people are surprised that a certain someone is depressed and decided to commit suicide? Never assume that one is always happy. We all have our sad times. Some are worse than others but it can never be defined. Rather, some just take things worse than others.

Instead of waiting for someone to ask for help, observe and you’ll notice the hints. Approach them instead of waiting for them to approach you. Ask what’s wrong and get them talking. You’ll never know how much that’ll help someone.

Miles away

It started with me falling for him
but we weren’t meant to be
You were there and you caught me

It soon became “we”
but it wasn’t the same.
It made me miss him more
Cause you never did things he did.
How he loved me and embraced me
Felt nothing like I’ve ever had
And I’ll always miss that until the next
But you never gave me that

All I got was insecurities and anxiety
Unloved and uncared

Guilt within refuses to end things
Even though I knew I had to

So here I am
Still fragile and broken
Missing you from miles away
Yet I still want it to end

Protected: 2016.

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“I was an accident. And maybe that night shouldn’t have happened.” 

*writes something out of anger and regret*
*posts without linking it anywhere*
*decides it’s better for no one to read*
*sets post to private*

Because at the end of the day, no one in concerned and would rather not appear in my posts, for the good or (obviously) for the worse.

will I always be dreaming of liking life from the darkness alone?

I’m desperate for your affection
It’s hopeless, I know, but that’s just who (how) I am.

Getting headaches and feeling fatigue every single day.
Awaiting to the day when this is all over, I have done my part and it’s time for my reward.
Being able to finally enjoy life for a short while before University starts and the stress comes back into my life, suffering from this misery.

The day when dreams come true is probably the day I die.
For I know that they’ll never exist in my life.

Just A List: Events and Concerts and People I Met

I’ve actually always wanted to list down the “stars” that I’ve met and when. Because, to be honest, I’ve met quite a lot aha. Also, some are just for concerts and no photos or I just met them for an autograph session. Some are repeated cause why not keep track am I right? It’ll be updated I guess.

2012
31st August & 1st September – Ryan Higa
21st September – The Script

2013
5th & 6th April – Lawson
19th May – Chester See
21st May – Ryan Higa, Andrew Garcia, Chester See, Boyce Avenue, Wesley Chan
23rd May – Boyce Avenue
24th May – Pewdiepie
28th June – Madilyn Bailey, Tanner Patrick
1st August – Jason Chen, Clara C
5th August – Fall Out Boy
17th August – Before You Exit
11th, 13th & 15th September – Sam Tsui, Kurt Schneider
21st November – Boyce Avenue

2014
9th, 11th, 12th, 15th, 17th February – 2/3 of Wongfu Productions (Phil and Wes)
15th February – David Choi
29th March – Emma Stone, Andrew Garfield, Jamie Foxx
22nd May – Lilly (Superwoman), Troye Sivan, Bethany Mota
23rd May – 3/5 of RHPC (Ryan, Sean and Greg), Jenna Marbles, Tyler Oakley, Apldeap
24th May – David Choi, Jenna Marbles, Timothy DeLaGhetto
25th May – Bethany Mota, Tyler Oakley, Troye Sivan, Korey Kuhl, Sean Fujioshi, Ryan Higa, Grey (lol)
9th July – Sam Tsui, Kurt Schneider
17th August – Patty Walters, Luke Cutforth, Bry, (Jason too actually……)
6th September – Against The Current (Chrissy, Will and Dan), Alex Goot
25th September – Sam Tsui
2nd, 4th, 5th & 7th December – Tiffany Alvord, Tanner Patrick
5th December – Anton and Jonas

2015
9th January – Bastille
24th January – The Vamps, Short Stack
14th February – McBusted
21st & 22nd February – Soundwave – Gerard Way, All Time Low, Of Mice & Men, Fall Out Boy, Tonight Alive, One OK Rock,etc
18th March – Evan Edinger, Dodie
6th April – Hunter Hayes
9th April – Tyde Levi, Ricky Dillon
10th April – Tyde Levi, Ricky Dillon, Andrea Russett, Troye Sivan, Connor Franta, Jamie Curry, Little Sea
1st May – SHE
25th June – 5 Seconds Of Summer
29th June – Bry, Candice, Dodie
12 July – Ryan Higa, Will, Derrick, Arden Cho, David Choi, DanakaDan, Jun Sung Ahn
12th September – Tyler Oakley, Korey Kuhl
22nd September – Sleeping With Sirens
2nd & 4th October – As It Is
7th November – Joe Sugg, Caspar Lee Hit The Road Australia Tour
5th December – Ed Sheeran
19th December – WongFu Productions: Everything Before Us Asia Tour

2016
26th January – The Vamps ft The Tide
28th January – Bring Me The Horizon
30th January – Laneway Festival (maybe)