Melbourne was my way of escaping from reality. The first 2 years was great, no drama, had fun times and of course there were bad times but not from being in Melb. Despite not having many friends then, losing a few, I could actually express myself better here.
As time went on, I don’t know what I want anymore. All I wanted and needed was that escape. Each time I go back to sg, something happens. Then it wavers my decision of going back to melb. Many things happened in the past 3 years and I’m back in that state where I just want to escape from reality, not even melb. I wasn’t happy in both sg and melb and that was extremely toxic. For at least 6 months throughout the past 3 years, I can say I was fine. The rest, oh boy was it tough. And now, I dread going back to sg. I really don’t know how to feel or what to expect. As much as I want to have that mentality of going in with no expectations, I can’t help but seek for something to look forward to.
I’ve never publicly expressed my feelings and thoughts and suffered by myself cause I never wanted to burden anyone and I didn’t think anyone would really care. Though of course there are a few constants who cares and I’m really thankful for you guys even though it wasn’t always consistent but hey, it’s okay. I understand that everyone have their own problems, their own life. Not everyone will be there for you at all times and that’s okay. That’s how life works. It’s always been like that since young. And I thought I was getting better recently. Yet it came crumbling down. Everyday there’s this lingering feeling inside and I can’t seem to get it out.
At times it really gets extremely difficult. As much as I want to breakdown into tears, I cant. I’m so numb to this feeling and yet it continues to linger. My mind goes back to the dark times. And this isn’t even my darkest moment in my life.
I’m extremely tired of living, of facing reality. I want to look for another place to escape. And I am always ready for that as long as I have my funds, which I don’t. But when the time is right, I’ll depart on my journey and leave everything behind and sort out my life.
I’m thankful for the past 5 years in Melbourne and allowing me to be myself. But for the past 3 years, it has gotten back to being suffocating. If I disappear, just know that I’ll be okay. Even if something bad happens, it’s probably for the best.