The Past. The Present.Β 

As the saying goes, “What happened in the past, remains in the past. Focus on the present.”

But what if the past haunts you and the present causes you to be conflicted with yourself on your decisions and how will it affect others?
My mind is a complete mess of different reactions as if I’m crazy.
I feel dazed as my brain tells me to think, to type.
Yet it’s resisting the memory from appearing in my mind.
Unhappy memories.

Many would’ve thought I’m talking about relationship with a guy but I’ve never had one so that’s not it.
It’s about me.
My past.
My actions.

I’ve lost many friends.
Many I no longer talk to.
I feel like I’m being left hanging.
I feel like I’m not being appreciated as a person with feelings and emotions.
I am being taken for granted.

What do people know about me?
About what happened.
Why it happened.

And it just makes me sound like I don’t know myself.
Which I don’t.

So what do I do now?
Say hello to used-to-be friends?
Say that I’m sorry for being immature?
And how will that help?
Will we become friends again?

Maybe.

One day.
I’ll have the courage to do it.
Confrontation.

I’ve done it once.
It was scary.
I was shaking.

Reasons why I can’t take the truth serum.

Everyone’s Here For A Reason

It’s inspiring to see people all around the world, smiling, crying, enjoying their life and some hating theirs.

In each second, someone is in school, sleeping, using their computers, enjoying their dream, having an emotional breakdown.
Someone is dying,
Someone is born.

Just the sight of knowing someone out there is living their dream aches my heart.
The thought of wondering if I’ll ever become that person.
The thought of failure and obstacles.
Knowing that I’m not the only living through this stage of life
And yet knowing that many are living their life to the fullest.
Whereas I’m stuck here in a girls’ school
With no friends.

I’m always alone.
Not knowing what to even talk about.
Afraid of what others would think of me.
The pressure.
The anxiety.

I can walk down to Starbucks in 10min instead of 15.
Absolutely no problem.
But when I’m walking to school in 3min,
I feel a sense of anxiety.
Not wanting to leave my apartment.
Or rather, not wanting to go to school feeling left out and lost.

Sunday night.
Sleep was a problem.
12.30am.
I’m laying on my bed.
“Time to sleep.”
Eyes shut.
1am.
I’m still awake.
I got lost in it.
4.30am.
Check phone for time.
“Urgh”
Alarm rings at 7am.

Random Thoughts. Meep.

Here’s the first one. And most likely the most unrelated one. πŸ˜‚ it’s also reasons why I don’t tweet them out so……

Don’t you ever think that pads are like diapers but holds blood instead? And smaller? πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ idek

That urge to shout “fuck me right in the pussy” when you’re at a concert. (I almost tweeted this but I’m scared that everyone will judge me hard)

One day if I disappeared, no one will look for me. No one will miss me. No one will remember me.

(Similar to previous)
“If I were to disappear one day, no one will look for me.”
“What are you saying. I’ll look for you.”
*pats on head*
*looks into each others’ eyes*
((RELATIONSHIP GOALS.))

I want a relationship that’s simple and sweet. Maybe hurtful but hey, at least I’ll know that I’ve loved him. It doesn’t need to be perfect at all. But I want someone to be there. I want to know that there is still an opportunity, a chance that it’ll actually happen to me.

Have you ever wonder why someone not pretty or is bitchy has a boyfriend and you don’t have? Like you aren’t that ugly (I hope pfft) and sure you can be bitchy but in a good way.

What if life could be simple without your heart aching, crying for help, crying for someone to carry you up?

Look up at the sky. It might be filled with stars or just plain darkness. Stand in silence. Look out into the far horizon. With its city lights stretching out wide. How do you feel? What are your thoughts? Tears streaming down unknowingly. Heart screaming in pain. There were no reasons.

PJ is bae.
πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Ya okay I’ll stop here. That’s enough for now. Wait. One more.

I love unicorns.

Done. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

I need someone who’ll…..

Hug me tight, especially when I’m feeling down, whenever he feel like doing so (and during late, quiet nights)
Pat me on the head cause why not. It’s just those moments where you feel like a kid, being protected and loved. 
Offer me his jacket when I’m cold even if I reject cause I most likely would unless you just place it on me lol, or he could just hug me or cuddle with me to keep me warm. 

I just want to lie on the grass (or on the floor) beside you, looking up into the starry sky.
Perhaps we’ll end up falling asleep while our hands held tight together.
Sleeping beside you on the bed, facing towards each other.
And waking up seeing your face, soundly asleep.

We’ll share our interests, the books we read, the music we listen.
Even if they are things that we never tried to love.

We will have fun together.
Maybe with a few arguments.
But at the end of it, we know that it’s because our love for each other are too deep.

We’ll help each other through our problems.
Making each other happy even with the smallest gesture.
Knowing that your love to me is real.
Knowing that I love you with all of my heart and soul.

I’m ready for the heartbreaks and sacrificing my time to be with you
All I’m left currently is for you to appear in front of me
And guide me along the way
Even if I’m unsure of my feelings, I want you to stay there for me.
Show me how does love feels like.
For I who don’t know what is love.

Youth Sensation – Tiffany Alvord and Tanner Patrick in Singapore

******* I AM NOT SPONSORED OR PART OF PHIOS PRODUCTION OR ANYTHING ASSOCIATED LEL. This blog post is mainly on my experience and the photographs I took (and on Tiffany and Tanner). All of the photographs and videos are taken by me.Β Please take the time to read before using any of my photographs and/or videos. Thank you!

Tuesday, 2nd Dec 2014.
Tiffany and Tanner arrived at Changi Airport T1 in Singapore.
As my friend volunteered to help the company, she knew their flight details on what time they’re arriving.
Thus making that moment feel very relaxed and like we didn’t stalk them at all. It felt weird.
All I took was polaroids and selfies with them.
Random fact, Tanner remembers me from posting our picture together from last year on instagram as a throwback XD Quoted from him, “I saw it on my camera roll so I posted it.” 8’D He actually also tagged me in the photo when I commented on it (with friends informing me that he posted my photo).
They had charity stuff afterwards, so I didn’t stalk them or anything.

Wednesday, they had press conference, m&g, etc.

Thursday, fun fun fun.
I arrived around 1pm during their soundcheck. Saw acquaintances who seemed like they didn’t like me lol
So basically I stayed there by myself, waiting for friends to arrive.
Security were chasing us away in which I lied and said my friend was in the toilet, I was waiting for her to come back. XD
Tanner was on stage fooling around and sitting down while waiting for everything to be set up.
He was in a black beanie, Never Basic black shirt, black jeans and maroon shoes. I don’t even know how does he stand the heat in almost full black. OTL
He was soundchecking Clarity, Merry Go Round, Roar and Shake It Off when Tiffany came over.

My friends and I decided to buy them Gong Cha bubble milk tea in which in total we bought about 5/6?
Shawnz and Cherie (Tiff’s mum) were far from the gate and we couldn’t get their attention to pass them the drinks.
However, suddenly Tiffany came out and saw us!
She was excited to see us all and even more when she saw that we bought her and the rest bubble milk tea! XD

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Tammy gave Tiffany a skunk soft toy in which TAMMY thought it was an owl. Ideky. It also gave creepy laugh noises. ._.

She also gave Tanner a puppy soft toy.

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Tammy lent her hotspot to Tanner so that he could post the playground photograph of him and Tiffany onto instagram.
In which in this photograph, he was posing for me and smiling where I couldn’t see from my angle. XD

When we talked about “Taffy”, Tammy said he ships them as “Tanny” or something along there XD And Tanner was just “that’s what my ex called me last time”. All 3 of us just went “Ooooo that would be bad.” Hahaha
We then left them as they were heading off to Din Tai Fung for late lunch and early dinner.
My friends and I proceeded to sitting outside of Din Tai Fung while I was on the line with my friend about what happened since I was at RWS.
We weren’t thinking of stalking them further. It was simply us chilling outside and chatting about really random things while Dayna grabbed my dslr to take photos of random things, even when I was still on the line.
Shawnz or however you spell his name exactly, all I know is that he has a ‘z’ at the end. He came over to ask about their marketing/advertising which I felt like it wasn’t reaching out to a lot of people actually. Whereas for UTD, it was well received, on both Facebook and Twitter, though not as famous as Tiffany and Tanner.

Afterwards, we saw Tanner going into Candylicious by himself. Obviously we didn’t follow him inside, except for Sharon. Sharon was helping him to choose different kinds of chocolate so that he can eat while he edit his cover (Amnesia which he has already uploaded. Go watch it if you’ve not!!). He ended up choosing peppermint chocolate.
When we saw Tiffany and her family plus Faith walking back towards the hotel, naturally I felt awkward to approach her so as we walked towards her, we decided to just head into Candylicious to find Tanner and Sharon.
Tanner obviously welcomed us to join him and we talked about ships of him with Tiffany, Chrissy and Taylor.
As I asked him last year, which he didn’t give me then, I asked again for his guitar pick. He took out about 9 picks from his pocket! He has 2 more stacks with him in his guitar case XD.
He also took out his jetstar flight ticket and a 22nd May 2014 Seoul ticket from his pocket.
“When was the last time you washed this pair of jeans?”
As we were in the middle of the shop, we asked if he wanted to go out of the shop so we aren’t being a nuisance to the manager, etc. His response was just “I’m fine! Besides, there’s good music!” XD
He told us about the event stuff and what happened during m&g when he sat on the floor with the rest to eat their packed food. Security came to ask them to stand up, all he said was “I’m fine” Hahahaha He didn’t know that sitting on the floor is not a very good sight for the area and to the other customers in Singapore.

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He took out his beanie and put it back on cause of his messy looking hair XD

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Sharon bought him a I ❀ SG shirt and was taking a photograph of him holding onto it.

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And here’s another from my angle!

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Never Basic BD

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Sharon gave Tanner her pink mini fan so that he can always stay cool while in Singapore. He wanted to “boop” his nose and finger onto the fan XD

As my friend and her friend were reaching soon and Tanner had things to do, we were waiting at the lobby for him to come back down for 2 hours.
We thought he’ll come back down for a while to meet more fans then head on to do his stuff, he ended up editing his cover and ate chocolate. XD We forgive you though, since it’s us who want to meet you and say good bye. :3

((Here’s an extra bit. Gavin Teo walked past and saw us but we didn’t approach him. When he was walking back, Tammy approached him to ask about Tanner – he looked so happy when he saw her until she asked about Tanner. We felt bad so we asked for photographs with him. He’s really nice and he’s full Chinese! JA and Nathan then came down so selfies toooooo~))

9pm.
Tanner finally came down after editing to leave to the pub at Gardens By The Bay (I almost typed Bae instead hahaha)
After taking photos and having mini conversations, he hugged us all and left.
Since we’ve all yet to eat, we went to McDonald’s since it was the closest.

Saturday.

This gets a bit more personal but I had to let out my feelings so why not add this bit in. If you don’t want to read this, just skip on to the next paragraph.
——————————————————————————————————————————————

I came out of my house, not knowing what to do.
My plans were destroyed, one by one.

First, my friend backed out on me and my prop was destroyed by the rain (idek how).
Then I was trying to find out what’s Tanner’s flight is.
We thought it could be the LA flight (9.20am) , it ended up being a Doha flight at 2am. OTL
Went out to meet Tammy late afternoon, thinking of meeting Us The Duo.
(I don’t really know them but I went to accompany her)
Once again, plans ruined.

Tiffany was having her surprise birthday party. And there was a bonus, Tanner, Cal and Garrett were there too.
I was wondering if I should head over, but Tammy didn’t want to. So we proceeded to Orchard, assuming that Gerald and Kimberly will be hosting UTD, ending up being just a Levi promotion thing -.-

When Sharon aka Tanner Patrick SG told me that he’s there at the hotel too, I instantly knew why I felt like I regret coming out, mainly due to how my plans were ruined and unorganised. By that time, it was already 4.45pm (Tiffany tweeted that the ‘m&g’ ends at 5).
We were conflicted between meeting Tiffany and Tanner or go for UTD instead, ending up heading to the hotel to meet Taffy.

My closest friend told me that she had an attack on her insecurities.
Another friend I met through stalking was at AFA, also had an attack due to the crowd and her friend was late, leaving her alone.
Just nice, I almost had one too. It was at its limit. I was close to breaking down.
I thought about how screwed up my day is and my eyes got watery.
I stood at one side, not going towards Tanner nor Tiffany. I had to keep my feelings and emotions hidden deep inside. I was looking up and down, refraining tears from accumulating, breathing deeply to calm myself down.
It took quite a while to take effect.
There was ache in my heart and thoughts were all over the place.
I most likely looked fine to everyone else, but I knew what was happening then.
And here’s what made me distracted from it but came back after a short while and disappears again.
———————————————————————————————————————————————
HAPPY BITS!
Though I didn’t grab any photos with them during then, I managed to get a hug from each of them before leaving ❀
(I miss them so much TAT)
Tanner grabbed the guitar and sat next to Tiffany, preparing to sing a couple of songs together, as if it was a little gig at the lobby of a hotel XD

Instantly, I took my camera up and recorded the parts when they sang and captured a few Taffy bits ;D

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#Taffy 8’D

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I don’t know how to explain this picture. XD

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That expression on both of their faces tho.

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Tanner performing his new original that he has yet to release. :3

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I love love love this picture of Tiffany ❀

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tanner, Cal and Garrett ended up flying off at 2am on Saturday.
Luckily we found out about it and managed to catch them before they left.
Tanner asked me for 2nd time if I wanted a pick, apart from the first time when I asked. He asked when we were at the hotel.
I also helped Sharon to convey her message through her voice note and a call to Tanner as they went through security.

2014-12-08 14.18.18

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Do subscribe and like the videos cause why not :3 Share the videos if you want and it’s private. I do have plans to officially establish my channel with covers, vlogs and photography-related content. I might include hauls once in a while if I decided to splurge and the clothes I managed to buy are so pretteh and plan out a few outfits from the pieces. :3 (A little self promotion on my own blog is nothing XD)

If you want to use any of these videos or photographs, do credit me thank you.
You want to check out more of my photography, follow me on instagram @shiaynnn even though half are selfies (mainly with stars 8’D).
For tweets, @aynnnn_
If you like my content on my blog (even though it’s not written in good vocabulary and grammar), follow my blog to receive updates! If the event is long enough for a post and I captured enough photographs/videos, I might blog on my experience. Occasionally I would type out my emotions and feelings, whenever I feel inspired and feel like I need to talk about my thoughts and stuff. But yeh. FOLLOW ME PLEASE XD

Thank you for taking your time to read my post! πŸ˜€

{Reality}

Which reality are you living in?

Have you ever wondered if the world we’re living is all a lie?
There is no truth.
Every one of us are living in our own world.
In each world, it’s different.
I may knowΒ you in mine,
and yet you don’t even know me in yours.

What do you believe in?
Do you believe that unicorns or slender-man are real?
How do you think they are created?
Sure, imagination of the creator would be the ultimate answer.
But what if it was a fragment of our memory?
We’ve seen it but somehow it was deleted from our memory.
Or maybe it was in someone else’s world.
And we were there.
To witness it.

And what does it mean by there is no truth in the world?
Are things that are happening to us unreal?
Are we the ones who created these emotions that we feel?
Love?
Happiness?
Depression?
What if it didn’t exist in one’s world?
How would one’s world be like then?
Emotionless?
Non-existant?
So many questions about this world that we’re in currently that couldn’t be answered.

Did we create Hitler?
Somehow making him kill many people.
Are we the ones who’re destroying the beautiful and peaceful world with our actions and emotions?
That, I’ll say yes.
Everyone is connected in some way,
no matter which world we’re in.

The decisions we make can affect someone in different ways.
For either the good or the bad.

The cruelty of the world.
And yet, it’s still so beautiful.
Slowly being destroyed by human beings.
Pity.

What is your desired reality?

{Inability}

Thinking to myself,
I can’t.

I can’t.
I can’t.
I can’t.
I can’t.

I’m at my limit.
I can’t save myself.
I say that I’m tired
Sick and tired of living.

At times I want to sink into my bed
And crawl into a ball
And just die.

Death seems to be the savior.
And yet it’s not reaching out to me.

I cry for help
But nothing comes out of my mouth.

“Help me”
But no one came to my rescue.

{Reflection}

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Standing here, looking at my reflection on the mirror
Filled with disgust.
I tried so hard to improve
Yet nothing worked.

I’m not perfect.
In fact, nobody’s perfect.
So why do I try
When I know that I’m just gonna fail

I lie to myself
“I look pretty in this”
When I feel fake and ugly.

At times I start to lose my mind
On reality and a dream
I forced myself to believe the lie
I’m stuck in a dream.
A nightmare.

I wake up feeling empty.
Life felt meaningless and boring.
I look into the mirror again
And I got sick of the imperfection.

Scar me if needed.
I couldn’t care less about it anymore.
I was over it.
For all I know, my life would end at this instant.

And all of these feelings will be gone.

{White Void}

Wide awake.

No.
It’s a delusion.

Pretty. Peaceful. Pure.
And yet, dark.
Frightening. Lonely.

A room with no corners.
A room with no one else.
A room of nothing.

A completely white void.